i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
