Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
