a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
