I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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