so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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