he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
