Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
