I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Drunk is not a location!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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