Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
