Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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