I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
