Is it because I queefed?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She even gives head with a lisp.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
