just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
