So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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