I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
