I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
