DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
