Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
