not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
