When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
