I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
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