Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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