one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
they call him Oral-B. enough said
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
