Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
