Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
