he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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