Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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