Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
