I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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