This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
