True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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