He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
