Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
