Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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