I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
