the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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