He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
