you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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