a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
