went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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