I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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