He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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