From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
