dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
