I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You know, be my cock's hype man.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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