Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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