I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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