it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
