mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
