my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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