here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
