i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just want to make out with him forever
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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