God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
